Host- Welcome to America's least favorite game show, Crack the Walnut, where the goal is to buzz in and answer the question before the other contestants. Sound generic? That's because it is! Lets meet the constestants. We have Yusuke and Kuwarbara over here playing as one person, we hope with their brains combined they might equal something near intelligent. Then there is the ever calm and smart, Kurama. Over there... drinking paint?... is Hiei. Good to have you here. Do any of you have something to say before the show starts?
Kurama: ...can you take that can of paint from him? please?
Host- Steve can you take that paint from him? Thanks ;
Hiei- So be it. *looks at Yusuke and Kuwabara* Lets get this brutal beating of those two idiots over with. ;
Both Yusuke and Kuwabara- Hey! ; Host- Well, ok. First question. What is the name of this very show?
buzz! Yusuke- Wheel of Fortune?
Host- Sorry, no. Any other guesses?
Kurama: buzz! what is "Crack The Walnut"
Kurama: if you would like me to, I won't answer in question form
Host- Thank you Kurama. At least there is one intelligent person on this show. No answering in the form of a question is optional. It does make me feel important though. *mumbles under breath* Stupid Jeopardy... Next question. Out of the 4 of you, who is least expected by our audience to pass high school?
Kurama: buzz! I think we should take a poll
Kurama: *looks at Hiei* you have that "I just drank something I really shouldn't and I'm going to act crazy and make up stories all night" look
Host- A poll? Ok. I think the obvious poll would be of the audience, which would defeat the whole purpose of the question. But that's the quality you can expect from Crack the Walnut. ;
Hiei- Come on the answer is obviously that fool Kuwabara. he has the IQ of chewed gum. And I'm not going to make up any more stories about how you stole that book from that child... eventhough you did.
Kurama: they asked that question about the audience, so I thought a poll would yeild the correct answer... That was you, Hiei...
Hiei- Well I like Cat in The Hat... What's with you stealing other peoples family pictures? You have them in your hotel room right now... ;
Host- Yeah... ahem... The audience says! Kurama with .004%, Hiei with 84.006%, Yusuke with 2%, and the rest for Kuwabara... Do you want to go with the audiences answer to a question that is about what the audience thinks?
Kurama: it's really their question...
Hiei- What?! I passed high school before any of you were even born! ;
Yusuke- See! I told you! HAHA ;
Host- and the answer is... sorry Kurama. The answer was Yusuke.
Kurama: I have no doubt about that...
Yusuke- Are you calling me stupid! Don't you remember what happened on the talk show?! I'll beat you again!
Kurama: I sidestepped you...
Yusuke- No way! I missed you on purpose! I would have thought you were smart enough to figure that out by now! I guess you really aren't the smart on are you?! ;
Hiei- *chuckling* Only a fool would think you missed him on purpose.
Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! Kuwabara- This is fun! All I have to do is press this button and it makes that sound!
Kurama: stop that...
Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! Kuwabara- I'd like to see you make me!
Kurama: continue that, and I will...
Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! Kuwabara- bring it on.. a.. Guy who likes roses! ;
Hiei- I would be happy to stop him for you Kurama. You must be a little sick after eating everything in the ash tray this last night.
Kurama: that was you, Hiei...
Kurama: although I did almost get sick watching you do it...
Hiei- That would explain why it tastes like I ate burnt doritos. ;
Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! Kuwabara- I don't see any of you unhumans doing anything to stop me.
Kurama: that's becasue Hiei ate out of an ashtray at this filthy pizza shop when we were asking for directions to the hotel
Yusuke- *to Kuwabara* SHUT UP! You incredibly stupid flaw of humanity! BUZZ, BUZZ, BUZZ. over and over again! The speaker is right next to my head!! *grabs buzzer and breaks it on Kuwabara's head* ;
Hiei- I did get you to eat those pepperonis I found on the floor.
Kurama: that was a complete stranger... he didn't even accept my apology... then came the fangirls in the room next to us...
Hiei- Why do you think your fans are so horrible? Am I the only one that thinks that me having the most fans in 80 year old men is a bit strange? Whenever I go to the store there is a line of people with dentures and walkers asking for my autograph.
Kurama: that was a nursing home, you smelled disinfectent, and followed it there... they were senile
Hiei- That would explain all the medicine. Remind me to never take high and low blodd pressure pills at the same time again. You didn't take that wheelchair back did you?
Kurama: it went over a cliff in flames, remember? didn't this used to be a quiz show?
*host sitting in the audience watching the show* Host- Oh... a ... Yeah. We were waiting to get a new buzzer for those two. They aren't going to use it, but the rules say eacy contestant has to have one. ;
Hiei- Over the cliff in flames? I'm guessing that means it was me that tried to drink the gasoline while burning those candles?
Kurama: ...you thought I did it, didn't you?
Hiei- Well, you know how I think after drinking a whole bottle of prescription cough syrup. How did I get all that precription medication anyways? Wasn't that your birthday present to me?
Kurama: you found it at the nursing home...
Hiei- *pulls pills out od pocket* I hope none of them really needed these heart pills. Hmm... The last thing I remember before waking up in that dumpster was being in the arcade. How did I get all the way from the arcade to the nursing home? You took me there didn't you?
Kurama: you smelled the antiseptic...
Hiei- All the way from the arcade? Well how did I end up in that gas station's dumpster then?
Kurama: you passed out, and a stranger thought it would be funny to put you there... then that girl jumped me...
Hiei- Oh yeah, that stalker girl. How are things going with her?
Host- Can you repeat that last part Hiei? I'm not sure if the audience heard it. ;
Hiei- Oh yeah, that stalker girl. How are things going with her?
Kurama: she stole my money and my rose whip, locked me in her trunk, took me to a wretched motel, I grabed my things, jumped out the window, and ran as fast as I could... I think she got arrested for "creating a nusance" a few months later in Texas
Hiei- She seemed like such a nice girl, though. The first thing she said to you was that she was in love with you. How can anybody like that be so crazy? ;
Yusuke- *looks up at group of girls in the crowd with binoculars, camera's, shields to block mace, and "I love Kurama" signs* Hey Kurama, I think they're all looking at you.
Hiei- The one on the far left looks familiar. Didn't she work at the same fast food place as you?
Kurama: she was that crazy girl who sat in the corner mumbing at that weird guy to get her a burrito... I always thought she hated me...
Hiei- Well she did try to stab you with the knife... Speaking of that place. It was disgusting when you drank straight from that soda dispenser. No wonder you were fired.
Kurama: that was you the day you ate a Brillo pad... at least you got me out of that horrible place... how did you feel after eating Brillo, by the way?
Hiei- You know what it feels like to eat a ninja star? Well it was like that, but the lemon smelling soap gave me a headach.
Kurama: that's why you should not do the things you do... where's that buzzer?
Kuwarbara- We've had a buzzer for like 20 mintues. We were just waiting for you two idiots to shut your mouths. ;
Hiei- Calling us idiots is the same as me calling you intelligent. It is obviously false.
Kurama: then may we end this revolting disscussion, and get to the questions?
Host- So, next question. Just how did you eat a Brillo pad Hiei? ;
Hiei- Is this a real question or are you just asking from personal interest? for, I don't think I, nor anybody else, could explain how. ;
Host- It is my show! Someone answer the question or you all lose this round and it will go to the Nut Cracker round!
Kurama: Hiei... elaborate, how did you eat it?
Hiei- Do I have to hit the buzzer? ;
Host- Yes! ;
Buzz! Hiei- I suppose I simply just put it in my mouth, took a drink of water, and swallowed the thing whole. ;
Host- Correct! That ties you with Kurama! You two are going to the Nut Cracker Round! *3 people clap in the audience*
Kurama: *looks up, sees that it's the fangirls*
Yusuke- What? That was like 3 questions! Kuwabara you made us lose! You're so stupid! ;
Kuwabara- Shut up Urameshi!!*punches Yusuke in the stomach and the two fight all the way off stage*
Kurama: *shakes head* those two...
Hiei- I don't think they would ever grow up even if they were to live to your age Kurama.
Kurama: let's hope they don't live to my age... for all our sakes...
Host- Yes, lets all hope. What are you like 15 anyways? Oh well. The final round will consist of a challenge made up from our panel. Hiei's challenge will be to see how long he can be surrounded with various cleaning supplies without drinking them, and Kurama's challenge is how long he can stand the babble of his fangirls without cracking. The challenge starts... now!
Kurama: I think I might be good at this...
Hiei- *gets shifty and sweaty* Not me.
Kurama: *stands there, not moving, unphased*
Hiei- Mmm... 409 is the best. Jet Dry. I love them all.
Hiei- *rips open bleach container and drinks the whole gallon* Oh yeah. That always hits the spot...
Kurama: *stifles a laugh*
Host- I can't believe he just drank bleach... Well... A I guess you win Kurama... Will you fangirls get out of my way. *sprays them with mace and pokes them with a pointy stick* This whole lifetime supply of hair spray and cheese slices is yours! ;
Hiei- *graps bottle of hair spray and drinks it* I hope you don't mind Kurama.
Kurama: I don't really know what I would need that for... I think they are making assuptions... it does this on it's own, thank you...
*whole audience laughs and fangirls scream their love*
Host- Sure it does... ;
Hiei- No it really does. *drinks another bottle of hair spray* You should see how much hair gel Yusuke uses, though.
Kurama: I don't know why he even does that... it looks like some kind of horrible helmet...
Yusuke- *tries to run on stage but is tackled by the body guards* Hey! Hey!! Let me go! Hey! I'll get you for saying that Kurama!! ;
Hiei- Yes, just like some sort of horrible helmet protecting the nothing known as Yusuke's head.
Kurama: do contestants on a quiz show normally mill around after the show with the camera running?
Host- No, we normally take them out back to be shot. ;
Hiei- That isn't a very funny joke. ; Host- Who's joking. ;
Hiei- You do realize that I could kill you? ;
Host- That's why you are still here. ;
Hiei- This has to be the worst game show ever conceived.
Kurama: what I want to know is why we were allowed to talk about his "problem" for 20 minutes...
Hiei- It is not a "problem" Kurama. I'm a social household product drinker. ;
Host- It was entertaining. Laughing at others pain and troubles always leads to higher ratings.
Kurama: no one else drinks them, thought... no one else will ever drink them
Hiei- What about the anti-freeze in the Kool-aid? I like to think of myself as a trend setter.
Kurama: you're a bad influence, not a trendsetter, face it
Hiei- If I was a bad influence, then why do all those 80 year olds look up to me?
Kurama: they don't, they just don't know who the heck you are, and forget the next second even if you tell them
Hiei- I think that you just want all the fans for your self. Why else would you say someone who eats Brillo Pads is a bad influence?....Oh..
Kurama: I don't want all those fans... most of mine are demented... I want the ones I have gone, not more of them
Hiei- Have you even tried hair spray before? It is delicious... I shouldn't think hair spray is delicious, should I?
Kurama: no, you shouldn't do half the things you do
Hiei- Well, I think you should do half the things I do.
Hiei- Because then I could call myself a trend setter.
Kurama: I call you a cleaner drinker...
Hiei- Close enough. *drinks 409* Hey look! A penny! *eats penny* Wow. That hair spray is really getting to me.
Kurama: please tell me they're not filming this...
Camera man- We're not not filming this.
Kurama: but "not not" filming it means that you are...
Camera man- That would be correct. ; Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!
Hiei- I see why Kuwabara thought this was fun now.
Kurama: do you want me to place you as his intellectual peer?
hiei- Of course not... Did you know that peer ryhms with deer? Sure you did... *gasp* Get a mop! The flamming peanuts are dancing again!... Woa,,, I think that must have been some strong hair spray. *eats spong* There that always soaks up everything when I drink a little too much.
Kurama: just don't make up stories about me to complete strangers until dawn and in doing so convince yourself it's true...
Hiei- Hey camera guy. This guy right here once installed carpet into these one people's kitchen while they were on vacation. I know. I think he might be a little crazy... Hey, why does that camera man not have any hands or legs or a head?
Kurama: *grabs Hiei, drags him offstage* shows over, people...
Hiei- I was having fun. Are we going to that pizza place again?
Kurama: no, I'm just going to keep dragging you until we're out of the way of the camera, and then out of the building
Hiei- Aww... But you left your lifetime supply of hair spray and cheese slices.
Kurama: I didn't want them... and you drank all the spray, remember?
Hiei- That doesn't make any sense. How could I drink a life time of hair spray? That isn't a very long lifetime.
Kurama: just let me get you out of the studio...
Hiei- And then we'll stop at the drug store?
Kurama: no, we're not going anywhere... *mangaes to drag Hiei out door, ratings for "Crack The Walnut" skyrocket, and then drop, because all of it "fans" first saw it on it's wackiest night*
And the poor host goes on to make even worse game shows.